Stoner Sex: Big Dreams, Small Dicks, Dry Spells & Bottoming from the Top

Dear Hyapatia,
My old man won’t grow up. He is in his late 30’s, and he plays guitar, and he still thinks that one of these days he is going to be a famous guitar player in a big band that tours the world. It is a nice pipe dream. I like to dream big too, but after all this time and at this age, I would have thought that he would have realized it just isn’t going to happen. It might be different if we lived in New York, or LA, or even Nashville, but we don’t. We are in a small nowhere place, and people just don’t get discovered in places like this. I don’t want to bring him down with reality, but I think it is time he started planning on a life that doesn’t include playing in stadiums. I am tired of him putting everything off because he might make it big. That is no way to live. How can I make him wake up and smell the coffee? — Jen

Dear Jen,
It is really hard to make someone give up their dream, even if it is obvious they’d have better chances playing the lottery. If you tell him he won’t make it big and that he is too old and should forget about it, he will blame you for his failure. He will always think in the back of his mind that if he had just kept trying a little longer, and kept his dream alive, he would have made it. Even if he keeps at it and never makes it, people have a tendency to blame others for their inability to fulfill their dreams. Just try to make sure you are not one of the people he blames! You can help keep his dream alive and yet prepare for a different future by saying, “Just in case you haven’t made it by then, what should we plan for?” Hopefully, he will start to see that the future could be different from the one and only future he has his heart set on. On another note, you could suggest ideas that would help him to transcend the small pond he is in, so that he can have a better chance at his dream or see for himself that he is just one of millions.

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend is a bitch if she doesn’t have something to smoke. If she can’t be high all the time, she is really hard to live with, and I don’t have the ability to keep her supplied the way she needs to be to keep her cool. Weed is illegal here, so it is not always around, even if you do have the money. And when it is around, there is never enough money. It is just going to happen now and then that we run out, and I really hate that, not because I can’t get high, but because she will be so hard to get along with. Isn’t there something else that can calm her down like weed? — Chris

Dear Chris,
Nothing is going to help quite like weed can. Valerian root in capsule form (because it smells bad) can help calm people down and make them sleepy. Melatonin supplements help people sleep too and stay laid back, but it doesn’t do what pot does. I suggest you put some weed back in a safe hiding place when you first re-up. Then, when it is all gone, you can pull out your secret stash, and hopefully it will be enough to get you through the dry spell. We all tend to go slower on the smoke when we know it is almost gone, so maybe this will help your weed last longer. Another trick is to weigh out a certain amount of smoke for each day and don’t use any more than that.

Dear Hyapatia,
My boyfriend and I just got married. I thought he was old fashioned when he said he wanted to wait till our wedding night to have sex. Now, I think I know why. I have never been one of those girls that said size mattered, but my husband has the smallest dick I have ever seen! I swear, it can’t be over 3 inches long. Like I said, I have never requested a big cock, but his is so small that I have a really hard time getting off. He doesn’t last long, probably because he has been too shy to have much sex. What can I do? I love him very much, but I feel stuck in a marriage that I may never be satisfied sexually in. — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
There are several things you can do so don’t give up. First of all, you can use your hand to play with yourself while having sex. That helps a lot of women. He can try a pump, they really work at making guys bigger. My second husband used one frequently, his choice. Different positions can help, like doggy style. To help with his stamina, stay away from indicas before sex and try a sativa heavy strain. Many guys actually enjoy using a dildo on their ladies, but I wouldn’t suggest that. You don’t want to make him feel insecure.

Dear Hyapatia,
I like S & M. My boyfriend likes it too, but he is not as serious as I would like him to be. He says he is afraid to hurt me, but I like pain. How can I make him relax and trust me to take our sex to a new level? If I were the dominant one, I could understand his hesitancy a bit better, but since I am on the bottom, I don’t get it. — Sharon

Dear Sharon,
One way to make both partners feel comfortable is a safe word. If he knows you will say the safe word if it gets too intense, he may feel like he can go further without fear of hurting you. Taking that idea in the opposite direction, you could come up with a word that cues him to be rougher. Has he ever tried being submissive? Sometimes, people who are uncomfortable with one role can become more comfortable in it by reversing the roles. This gives him a chance to see how the submissive can feel in control, even though they are not the dominant one. This is called bottoming from the top. This might give him not only the confidence he needs but also some ideas for when he is in charge. 

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at
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