Stoner Sex: Dating Virgins, Obsessive Gardening, Big Talks & Cheating

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend is a virgin. She says she wants me to be her first. I have tried, but she is so tight, and I don’t want to hurt her. She says it hurts, so I stop. Then, later on, she is frustrated that we didn’t do it. She has suggested she try having sex with another guy first as I am rather large. I have a friend who is not as big as I am, and he is thinking about it. Do you think that is a good idea? Also, is it true that a girl can’t get pregnant the first time she has sex? — Brice

Dear Brice,
No, it is not true that a woman can’t get pregnant on the first time! If it were, I wouldn’t be here. Now, I do not think it is a good idea at all for your friend to be your girlfriend’s first sex partner. It is you she wants, and I think that would be best. You do not need another smaller dick; you have your fingers. Use them to help her get ready for you. When the time is right, it will work, although, for the woman, it will never be the best the very first time; unless a woman is rather large and her man rather small, the first time is always difficult.

Dear Hyapatia,
My man grows a great garden, and he keeps track of it while we are out with his phone through cameras he has set up. I understand his need to check on things and make sure all is going well. We don’t get out much though and for him to sit through dinner staring at his phone and ignoring our time together, I think, is rude. I think he is obsessed with his plants. Surely he can carry on a conversation without the risk of losing his whole crop. Am I wrong here? — Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
You are not wrong. Why can’t he converse while his phone sits on the table? He doesn’t have to stare at it, just glance at it once in a while. Even then, I personally think it is not that necessary. I don’t have to check on my garden all the time. I know it is going well, and then I relax for a few hours. Nothing can go wrong in an hour or so that you can’t fix, especially if it is indoors. It does sound like he is obsessed, but I have sympathy, personally, for that; I am probably obsessed a bit with my plants too. However, having a garden should never get in the way of a relationship. If it does, something is wrong.

Dear Hyapatia,
My lady likes to watch YouTube at night. She stays up all night watching these videos on aliens and conspiracy theories. I sit and watch with her while we get high for a few hours, then I get bored. I wish she would come to bed and make love and sleep in my arms. I thought she would get tired of it soon, but she just keeps finding more shit to watch. This has been going on for a long time. I am getting tired of sleeping alone. What can I do to get her off the computer? — Carl

Dear Carl,
That is a hard one; lots of people have that problem in one way or another. When you have had your fill of all these videos and are ready to leave her to watch them alone, why don’t you ask her to join you on the porch, sofa or somewhere away from the computer, that isn’t the bed room just yet. Ask her opinion on what you watched.  After you sit a while, talk over the day and get high, then you could let her know just how much you have missed hanging out with her and how much you want to make love to her. Hopefully, THIS will lead to the bedroom, and you can enjoy each other. The next time she starts the YouTube marathon, remind her how much you enjoyed your conversation the other night. Tell her you’d rather have her by your side, sharing a sunset and a blunt. Maybe she will take the hint.

Dear Hyapatia,
I have a great girlfriend, and we get along really well. My problem is that there is this other girl I sell weed to that is so fine, I just can’t get her off my mind. I don’t want to leave my girlfriend, but the heart wants what it wants. How can I either get my girl to open up and share or see this other girl on the side without getting caught? I don’t think my lady has been all that loyal to me. She has some guys she is pretty close to, so I think this would be okay. — Kyle

Dear Kyle,
I don’t think it would be good or fair to cheat on her, even if she has cheated on you. Show that you are the bigger person, assuming she actually has cheated, and don’t cheat. I understand how you really want this other fine lady, but you have a decision to make first. Do you want to break up with your current girlfriend? If not, I would leave this other girl alone. I don’t know if she has a boyfriend or not, but you don’t mention if she is into you. If she is, she should be willing to wait until you are free. If she is willing to cheat with you, how can you trust her not to cheat on you? And what good is a relationship with someone you know you can’t trust? Either make a clean break or leave it alone.

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at
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