Stoner Sex: Practicing Patience, Psoriasis, Dangerous Flirting & Expectations

Hyapatia,
I am a stay-home mother of two children under five. My husband works a regular eight-hour day. Taking care of two kids, a house and all the business of running a home, I get stressed out during the day, and when I put the kids down for a nap, I usually smoke a joint. This pisses my husband off. He wishes I would wait for him to come home. He says it isn’t fair because he can’t smoke during the day. I can’t say what his job is, but I believe my day is filled with far more stress. I can’t believe he is serious about one fucking joint. What is your opinion on this? — Jane 

Dear Jane,
Taking care of two children under five is an enormously stressful job. I have done it as a single mother, and I know what it is like. Has your husband ever had to take care of them by himself and take care of the house for eight or more hours? If so, he should know what it entails—patience. Patience does not come easy when kids are trying to maim themselves inadvertently by exploring dangerous things and hurting themselves accidentally at every turn. Roseanne Barr says if the kids are alive at the end of the day, you have done your job. A joint can make the difference between a mean tone in your voice and loving patience. I realize in today’s economy, it can be hard to keep yourself supplied in the way you might like, but what price can you put on having patience with young children?

Dear Hyapatia,
I have psoriasis on my legs and trunk. It is not contagious, and I am trying to control it with medications. In the meantime, I don’t date because I am embarrassed. How can I find someone who is cool about this before we get in bed? — Homie

Dear Homie,
Many women are very understanding, especially stoners. Is there any psoriasis on your legs or arms? If so, you could bring it up and explain it to a girl while you are getting to know her over a blunt. This gives you the chance to add: “It is on the trunk of my body too.” That would explain the whole thing before you ever get to the sack. Now, if you don’t have any on places that could be seen in a sleeveless shirt or shorts, you will have to find some other way to bring up the topic. You could just come right out and say, “I don’t want to freak you out, but I have psoriasis.” Then, explain the condition and how you have found it easier to come right out and talk about your condition soon after meeting someone so they don’t think you are hiding something. 

Hey Hya,
What’s up? My boyfriend is a caregiver for many people. They come over all the time and that kinda bothers me, but I never say anything. What really gets me is that he is just way too friendly with a couple of the girls who come by. He is all cozy and bending over backward to please them. He doesn’t act that way when his buds are here, you know? It makes me wonder what he is like with them when I am away at the store or something. I trust him, I mean, he’s never cheated on me, but this one thing drives me crazy. — Jannice

Dear Jannice,
Maybe he is just a good businessman and this is how he takes care of his customers, or rather, he doesn’t know any other way to take care of his female customers than to come on to them a bit. That can be hard to take. I have gotten lots of letters from guys and girls in your same situation. To ease your mind, try to make sure you are always there when he sees his female customers. Ask him to not see them when you are away, and if he cares for you, like he should, he will honor your request. 

Hyapatia,
I fucked up Valentine’s Day. I know it is May, but I am still hearing about it. What the fuck? We had a good evening alone and ended it with great sex. What does she want from me? — Confused 

Dear Confused,
Each woman has a different idea of what is romantic or sexy. It is impossible for me to guess what she wants, or for you to guess either, for that matter. Ask her. Sit down and ask her what kind of Valentine’s Day she would like. Maybe she wants a gift, jewelry or some flowers, or both. But she should tell you what she wants. If she doesn’t know or can’t tell you, her expectations are unreasonable. No one can read minds.

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at hya@hightimes.com
Last Week’s Stoner Sex: Bedroom Gardens, Dank Dating, Manipulation & Cum in the Eye