Stoner Sex: Pot Haters, Comfort Zones, Clit Contact & Talking Dirty

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend is really starting to bug me about a few things, but I don’t want to leave her. She is beautiful and smart and there are many good things about her, it is just that she’s got this thing against pot. She says she hates the smell, doesn’t like having sex with me when I am high and shit like that. I’m not really good at dealing with all that. I never know what to say until it’s too late most of the time, but with this, I never figure out what to say ever. I’m not going to give up my sticky icky, but I don’t want to give her up either. — J

Dear J,
Normally, I would tell you to consider leaving her but you say you want to stay. Okay, then you must educate her as to how safe cannabis is and how it helps you. The book The Emperor Wears No Clothes by Jack Herer is the bible of great uses for cannabis and proof that it is not dangerous. It also has a thorough look at the plant’s history and why it was made illegal in the first place. As for the smell, have you tried a vape pen? They are really great! I love mine. They are discreet, quick and pretty much odorless. As a matter of fact, she doesn’t even have to know about it. Just find a private place for a minute or two and you are good. The concentrates make it quick and easy to get the high you want in no time. The only way she will know you are high with a vape pen is by your behavior and, of course, your eyes. Then, of course, there are always edibles! No smoke, no time away, nothing. Just take a few bites, and you are good for the rest of the night! If you feel you want more, no problem. Again, she may never even know, if you don’t give it away.

I can’t believe I am writing to you about this, but here it goes. My girlfriend just sits around all day getting high and watching TV, and I am getting really tired of it. I started growing a couple of years ago to keep up with her habit because it was getting so expensive. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting high just as much as the next guy, but I still have to get up, go to work and do my chores. She doesn’t have a job. She takes care of the kids, who are in school all but two hours of the time I am away, and she should be cleaning the house and stuff. She sits on her ass and just smokes. I can’t be the only one who straightens up around here. Pot is making her lazy, and I need to get her to wait until I get home to smoke. Should I put it in a safe that she doesn’t have the lock to? I hate to be like that, and I don’t want to piss her off, but I am at the end of my rope. — Mark

Dear Mark,
Have you sat down with her after the kids are off to bed and talked about this problem? I will assume that you have and that hasn’t worked. Some people have an addictive personality and have the potential to become addicted to anything—be it food, sex, video games or laziness. They need to be pushed out of their comfort zone and to start new habits. Watching TV all day is not good by itself, and I know it contributes to smoking more than you really need. See if you can get her to turn it off and get up and move around a bit. We all need exercise and just sitting in front of a screen is horrible for us. If you can think of some kind of reward system, it might help too. Maybe you could suggest that if she cleans the kitchen, you would take her out to dinner. Don’t make the task too big or the reward too great at first. And DO NOT tell her you are simply trying to get her to stop smoking so much. If you do, it will probably cause an argument. Try not to complain. “The kitchen has been a mess for so long that I have decided to offer you a reward if you clean it” is NOT the way to go either. Avoid treating her like a child. Instead, say something like: “You know, we could use a romantic night alone together. I’d love to get dressed up and take you out. We haven’t had a night together in a long time.” Then, wait for her reaction. If she agrees that would be a fun time, then casually throw in something like “I’ll make you a deal, I will take you out on the town next Saturday night, if you… (look around, take your time, don’t act like you planned it all to get to this point) clean… the kitchen?” Or some other room or space. Remember, not too overwhelming. It should be something that can be done in an afternoon. Start small. If all goes well, you should have more weed left over when you get home, a small job done and some great sex! 

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend says she loves sex, but she never orgasms from fucking. I have to be eating her or using my hand to make her climax. She tells me I am good at fucking her, but I think she must be lying or she would be able to cum during sex. None of my other girlfriends ever had this problem. How can I help her to cum? — Shane

Dear Shane,
It is great that you want to make her orgasm while you are fucking her, but that may not be a realistic goal. Only 30 percent of women can actually climax from just fucking, so your other girlfriends may have been faking it. I am not saying you (or any other man for that matter) are a bad lay, it’s just that the vagina doesn’t have as many nerve endings as your cock, but the clitoris has twice as many as your dick. So women often prefer to have their clitoris played with, as opposed to just fucking. Naturally, we love to pleasure our men, and fucking feels really good to us too, but usually, we need direct contact on our clitoris to orgasm. Try as many different positions as you can find though, you never know what you may discover!

Dear Hyapatia,
My girlfriend is really quiet during sex. She doesn’t talk dirty, there is no moaning or groaning, she barely breathes heavy! We have had sex about a dozen times now, and I keep hoping she will let go, but I feel like I am in the dark. I don’t know if I am doing a good job or not. My other girlfriends always told me what they liked or made noises so I knew how they felt. How do I know if she likes what I am doing? — Mike

Dear Mike,
One of the best ways to make women feel comfortable in bed is to lead by example. Are you telling her what you like and making vocalizations to show you enjoy what she is doing? You might want to ask her while you are having sex, encouraging her to talk and give you some feedback. It might be that she doesn’t realize it is perfectly acceptable and even appreciated to have some kind of communication during sex to let your partner know what you like. By asking her, you are opening up the lines of communication in bed, and it may take a time or two, but she will probably appreciate being able to tell you what she likes. 

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at

Last Week’s Stoner Sex: Sexy Men’s Underwear, Shrinkage, Putting Stuff ‘Up There’ & Better Orgasms


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