Stoner Sex: Cheating Liars, Getting Pussy Whipped, Hurt Feelings & Sexy Lingerie

Dear Hyapatia,
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have thought it for a while now, but last night, this guy called and said his wife was cheating on him with my boyfriend and he wanted me to know. I really think he is cheating, and I would probably dump him for it—except that he has the best weed around. I can do with something less quality, but it would really suck, you know. So I am willing to work it out with him. I just don’t know how to let him know that I know that he is cheating without him going into a big scene of denial and all. I don’t think all the weed in the world is going to calm him down when I tell him. — Veronica 

Dear Veronica,
If he grows the best weed around, I would ask him how he does it. That way you can grow your own and not have to be dependent on someone who cheats on you for your weed! Take notes and then you can let him know that you are aware of his running around. I don’t care how good his weed is, don’t let someone lie and cheat on you like that.

Hyapatia,
My girlfriend has a cat that she just loves to death. It is very protective of her, and every time I am over at her house, he stalks me. When I sit next to my lady, he starts to meow and makes this low growling sound. When we start making out, it is all out war. This cat is nuts. I told her to put it outside, but she says outside cats die much faster than inside ones because of cars and stuff. OK, so the cat stays inside. We tried putting him in another room, and he tore the door apart at the bottom. So we have just been going to my place. Now we are talking about moving in, but she refuses to give up that cat. How can we make this work? — Pussy Whipped

Dear Pussy Whipped,
I know some people may frown on this, but it is a medicine, and it is good for all beings. I would give the cat a very small amount of weed with his canned food, so he won’t taste it and spit it out. It may help calm him down a bit, and if so, it would be well worth it. Remember, a small bit! It is always best to start with too little rather than too much! You don’t want him sleeping for days. You don’t want to hurt the poor thing, just make him chill out a bit, right?

Dear Hyapatia,
At night after dinner, my lover and I like to get high. We share a blunt or two, or I should say, I would like to share a blunt or two. She has a tendency to just sit and talk and hold on to the blunt and either let it burn out or she tokes on it just enough to keep it going, but doesn’t pass it. I have told her about this before, but she is very sensitive. She gets her feelings hurt easily. She doesn’t mean to forget to pass it, it’s just that she gets high and spaces out. How can I suggest she pass it without hurting her feelings? — Ian

Dear Ian,
Try using humor. Sometimes we can get away with saying things that would otherwise hurt someone’s feelings if we crack a joke about it. Try telling her “hey, ever heard the phrase “no parking on the grass?” or,  ”hey there, Bogart, can I have some?” Have you heard the song “Don’t Bogart That Joint, My Friend?” It tells someone to pass that joint. Or you could sing “Pass The Dutchie On The Left Hand Side.” There are other good stoner songs to nudge the holder to pass it on. Try looking up some stoner songs together some time, it’s lots of fun!

Dear Hyapatia,
My old lady and I have been together for quite a long time. I’d like to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, but we don’t want to swing or do anything kinky. Any suggestions? — Darin

Dear Darin,
Try going to a sexy lingerie store or looking online to find something fun to wear at home. Check the sizes on the labels of the clothes your wife wears the most. That way, you will know what sizes to look for. If you go to a store, you can ask the sales person for some help. Let her know what your wife looks like so she can suggest the most flattering styles, and you know what colors your wife likes best. Then, don’t leave the store without picking up a little something for you. Try to stay away from the G-string with the elephant nose and pick something handsome, adult and that you will look good in. Again, the sales ladies can be a wonderful help to men in this situation. All women like to get gifts, and a package from Victoria’s Secret or the like will put her in the right mood. Lotions for giving a massage or just rubbing her feet and candles are always a good addition.

Ask Hyapatia all of your questions regarding stoner sexuality. Email her at hya@hightimes.com
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