High Horoscopes | July 2017

 

The HIGH TIMES astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

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ARIES

You’ve been clearing away those painful cobwebs, haven’t you? Dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s on your new lease on life? So many trap doors were open to you; beckoning, prodding, begging you to fall into their pits. But you resisted. You took the path less trodden and stood your ground. All hail the conquering Ram! Take no prisoners. Emerge from the chrysalis all shiny with that new baby smell! When you feel a wobble coming on, don’t waver. Remember the butterfly of freedom that you are now, and assume the responsibility of inspiring others to be similarly reborn. Once you have their tiny caterpillar hearts in your hands, you will persist, for the sake of all your student beauties! Strain recommendation: Dirty Old Bastard

TAURUS

You’re never too old to have a new experience. An 83-year-old friend who recently started medicating with pure CBD oil was accidentally given some knock-off stuff full of toxins and THC last week. She then accidentally took around 15 times the suggested dosage. Thus began a 24-hour hallucinatory experience: the first in her life. Thankfully she understood that to survive she mustn’t fight it. Her neighbors found her crawling in the halls, slurring and slobbering. She recalled visiting multiple dimensions, unable to return to her own reality.  She is massively grateful to be back on terra firma now, though feelings of not being quite herself persist.  What do you need to bring your feet back down the earth this month? How can you rediscover your centre? Think back to the last time you felt truly at home in your own reality; what were you doing then? Can you get a little of that back now? It’s ok to improvise and make do with what is around you (for example, clean kitty litter can feel like beach sand in your toes if you close your eyes tight and spray Febreze directly into the fan). Strain recommendation: False Teeth

GEMINI

You’re feeling the boom. Success is the name of the tornado that has descended upon you. Creative momentum picks you up and constant social activity spirals you around. A newfound warmth from your colleagues cradles you in a warm air pocket, as you are gently brought back to earth in a bubble of self confidence and joy. What a whirlwind of a month. Cosmic advice is to let the winds carry you where they may. Trying to hold on to the house pipes will only serve to strip you of your clothing and leave your arms very tired.  You need those clothes to feel less vulnerable as you take your new place as the king of the hill, and you need those arms to help the rest of your loyal team to climb up there to join you. Strain recommendation: Grandma’s Batch

CANCER

Happy chaotic birthday time!! So much celebratory love ahead for you, but it is mixed with increasing doses of wacky wildness and full on WTF moments because, as you will begin to notice this month, the universe makes very little sense anymore. You have two ways to play this: slowly disassemble into a pile of frightened goo, or embrace the nonsense and play! I have a feeling you will opt for the silly madcap route, and I must admit, I envy the glorious frivolity you will enjoy. This is a limited-time offer, so make the most of a juvenile rebirth. Have popsicles in park swings at midnight, send someone a note asking if they like you with boxes to check the answer in, spend a few hours building a fort out of scrap wood in your backyard and then demolish it. I believe it was Shakespeare who once said “When life hands you the Higgs Boson particle, have a kids’ birthday party”. Strain recommendation: Wild Thailand

LEO

As the cosmic snake sheds its skin, Leo’s usually straightforward path is transformed into one of exciting uncertainty. A change is a-coming. While you may crave simplicity, if you are willing to walk through the tempest you will reap the rewards that come from courage and persistence. An emotional warrior’s booty of personal growth awaits you. As Dr. Stephen Hawking said, “ Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.” This July’s gift of insecurity will bring forth a year of deeper development and fascinating shifts. Strain recommendation: Rocky Dennis

VIRGO

Like your Leo friends, you too are on the precipice of change; you are feeling excited and willing to slog through some rough weather in order to explore the unknown. However, instead of letting optimism guide your path, you are struggling from a rash of loneliness. It can be isolating when you realize that to progress, some parts of your past must be left behind. This can include people who no longer feed your future in healthy and enriching ways. Virgos can be extremely loyal, almost to a fault, so leaving a man behind does not come naturally. Try to stay the course, your future self will thank you. Strain recommendation: Murkle

LIBRA

An uncertainty that has loomed over you for years is now, slowly, coming to a resolution. Like a camera finding its focus, a clearer picture is emerging of how to proceed. With every pixel sharpened, your determination to usher forth a new period of unconstrained freedom is gaining strength. The cosmos urge you not to falter in this path forward. You have allowed this obligation to restrain you from dreaming. Without a greater goal, you live solely in the minutiae of the daily grind. If you had been able to unencumber yourself, then an existence of living absolutely in the present moment would have been a utopia, but with that weight on your shoulders, it was a monotonous drudge. Finally, now you can let yourself be inspired by all your possible futures; your only limit will be your imagination! Strain recommendation: Mountain Girl

SCORPIO

Why are you inviting the freak show to party in your kitchen? Why are you signing up for a Twin Peaks role-playing getaway weekend? Are you deriving comfort from feeling sane in comparison to those around you, or do you need a little wacky to spice up your humdrum spaghetti sauce of a life? No matter your motivation, it’s gonna be a wild ride this month and I suggest getting your tin hat ready, ’cause with the weird sometimes comes delusion. I respect your lifestyle choices, but I encourage you to keep at least one foot well planted on planet earth, because there won’t be anyone in your vicinity able to help you back down when the party gets to be a little too much. Strain recommendation: Shurman #7

SAGITTARIUS

It’s curious how our level of social interaction can drastically effect our sense of inner stability. If you have recently spent your time out and about, seeing lots of friends, working in a busy office, going to school or walking the high traffic city streets you might find yourself struggling with conflicting thoughts and awkward confrontations, overwhelmed and yet oddly detached. If you have been a solitary mouse lately, you’ll feel unstoppable, ready to take on any challenge. Does this mean that you shouldn’t enjoy the company of other humans, or that you are incapable of failure? No, it means you need to understand these words better: moderation and expectation. Strain recommendation:  91 Krypt

CAPRICORN

Imagine a vice grip wrapped around your torso that is ever so slowly squeezing the life out of you. It is contracting at such a gradual rate it is practically imperceivable. Make no mistake however; there is a relentless tightening that must be released before something important inside you breaks. For your innards’ sake, try to distinguish where these stressors originate, and if possible, separate those you can control from those you can’t. Activate yourself to cure what you can affect and let the rest wash off your ducktail. Strain recommendation: The Big Dirty

AQUARIUS

At risk of sounding like a broken record, for a mellow sign you sure are one uptight ball of stress and anger at the start of this month. Job dissatisfaction is top of your current annoyances list, but this isn’t a new feeling for you. If any sign is a hardworking, jack-of-many-trades stoic, it’s you. I know some may balk at this perception of you as free-thinking, polyamorous wanderers without a care in the world, but this is simply because you have difficulty being happy when you are doing the same thing everyday. If your job is essentially the same task repeated, you will end up a miserable, grumpy cat who dumps their poop off at the nearest LOVED ONE litter box. Prioritize speaking up for yourself, creating boundaries and solving your own problems before they become someone else’s. Strain recommendation: Brazil Amazonia

PISCES

Never at peace, the struggling Pisces are marvels of crisis management. If they aren’t at the precipice of losing a relationship, they are in the passionate throes of a new one. If they are succeeding in an artistic venture, their business is falling apart. If they are finally happy with their work, they are itching to leave town, their partner, or their life path. Never just doing ok; they are simultaneously inspiring and serve as warnings to those signs that have sedate, calm existences. Would you rather live on a roller coaster or eat only Melba toast? If you want toast then you need to fight your inane urge to question everything, your fear of relaxing into complacent satisfaction and your need to fuck with anything that is just fine. If you want the coaster, then carry on, regardless of those in your life that may need to get off due to motion sickness. Sorry but there is no in-between for you. Strain recommendation: Chocolate Tonic

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